


Auspicious Beginnings

by Anonymous



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: B99 characters, Diary/Journal, Gen, Humor, Prompt Challenge, SDV setting, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:35:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23400154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: There's a new farmer in town and he's most definitely bad news. Ask the Chief of Police. Or just see the notes for that first week.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12
Collections: /r/FanFiction Prompt Challenge #17 / March 2020, Anonymous





	1. DAY 1 - Prologue

_“Is this thing on? Testing… testing…._ _aaah-hisssss. Jake, I am your father._ _Ok, I have no idea if this is working. Let’s see, where’s the red light… uh, nope, no light. Well, I’ll see if it has something in the memory card then I guess.”_

_…ffzzz…_

“Oh God, I did _not_ _need to see that! Charles! Come on man, I told you, you don’t need to record weird in-case-I-die messages, we see each other every day!”_

_“Sorry, Jake! Hey, are you sure you don’t want me to…”_

_“No! There’s some things a man must do… alone…_

It all started on a sunny day, with only a faint breeze in the air. Back then the badass Chief Jake Peralta was –though handsome and _very_ good at his job— leading a simple two-man team in the town of Stardew Valley; knowing that one day, his abilities would be tested and he would have to rise to the challenge. But he did not know how soon that day would come. Stardew was a calm little town, a town with a peaceful community and almost no crime whatsoever. It was the kind of town that would be unbelievably boring, except for a deep, dark secret…

_“Jake, are you talking about Rosa? Because I’m your friend, but as your friend, I still have to tell you that you were a little bit at fault for her cursing the station…”_

_“Shut up, can’t you see I’m in the middle of something here? And_ no, _I obviously wasn’t talking about Rosa, literally everyone in town knows Rosa, how would she be a secret?”_

_“Ok, but man—_

_“It’s_ Tuesday, _don’t you have your stupid yoga club anyway?_

_“It’s called calisthenics Jake, and it’s not stupid. How exactly do you think I’ve gotten this bubble butt? You have to work it to flaunt it!_

_“Ugh. I’m not even going to answer that. Look, just let me record this, please?”_

_“Not another word from me, I swear.”_

A deep, dark secret that was being brought into town by the tall stranger that stepped out of the bus that fine morning. As his feet touched the ground, the bus let out a shriek like an omen of death and was never to move again, surely an indication of things to come.

_“But the farmer came on ALSVA. Are you sure you aren’t confusing it with Pam’s bus, you know, five years ago, when she—”_

_“Hitchcock?? Who even let you in, I thought Charles always locks behind him!”_

_“Oh, me and Scully snuck in last night, I still have the keys from when I was sergeant. We slept in the cells.”_

_“Ok, that’s it. Out, all of you.”_

_“But—”_

_“Out!”_

A tall, mysterious stranger whose past was shrouded in mystery. He had come to take possession of the old, decrepit, gnarly little farmhouse that may or may not have been haunted by the ghosts of generations of farmers and clearly had to be a front for laundering money anyway, because the place was filled with trees, rocks and weeds. It would take a miracle worker to harvest even a parsnip in that mess.

Also, the farmer wore a ridiculously stylish blue coat with shiny buttons. That coat wasn’t going to last two days, with all the mud in spring and the sun. Unless, of course, it was really being worn by ex-mafia or someone who wasn’t going to do manual labor…  
Two people were present to witness the arrival of the sinister man. One was the old, grumpy Mayor who could seriously loosen up and stop harassing the chief so much about ‘not stepping on the communal gardens’ and ‘slime hunting is not really a part of your job’. The other was the Great and Sexy Gina Linetti.

_Damn bet…_

The Great and Sexy Gina Linetti reported that the man was ‘a hunk’ and that ‘you should have seen his face, he jumped out of his skin when he saw the farm’ and a million other details that were not important because she liked to torture her childhood friends like that; the dashing Chief listened to her report but wasn’t going to believe more than half of it. The Farmer has been going around introducing himself; he may believe that he has the town fooled; but the ever-vigilant Chief Peralta shall leave no stone unturned. The truth will be known.

End record.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: The Chief records a series of suspicious events.


	2. DAY 3

It dawned a gloomy day in the peaceful town of Stardew Valley, buffeted by the rain. On the early morning through the shroud of darkness, these were the days that could make a man wonder if he was on the right path and where could he be if circumstances were different. A hard task lied ahead but regardless, duty orders, officers obey. The clouds rumbled ominously in the distance as the Chief prepared to take his post once again.

The hand of the clock reached ten with finality, and the sole occupant of the station in this, third day of the week, confidently walked in, almost on time. The dashing Chief sat on the desk with a triple shot expresso and gathered his notes. This life, it was not for the ill-prepared.

_10.00 am - Paperwork sucks._

_10:40 am – Wonder what Amy is doing right now._

_11:00 am – Note to self: Swing by library later._

_12.30 am - Paperwork still sucks._

_12:50 am - Might post a notice for something interesting. Like Shad (heh, Shad)._

_01:10 pm – Shop owner: Pierre came to the front desk. He claims to have witnessed a crime near the river. Could it be the Farmer has tipped his hand already?_

_01:30 pm – No, it was the usual complaint about Morris. To reiterate: Morris does NOT sacrifice baby cows under Joja’s basement._

_01:40 pm – Have checked._

_02.00 pm - I AM FREE!_

The mysterious stranger had spent the days prowling through the town, accosting law-abiding citizens on the pretext of ‘introducing’ ‘himself’. Who knew what nefarious plans he had in motion; but the Chief would not be deterred. He left the station, and prepared for uncovering further the actions of the so-called farmer. It was going to be a long wait, but he was nothing if not patient. He grasped the recorder in his hand, and stepped out.

_03.10 pm - The Alleged Farmer has been seen rummaging through the Mullner’s bins (and get some of Ms. Mullner's butter cookies that she never lets anyone touch, lucky bastard)._

_03.40 pm - Alleged Farmer has planted an acorn next to Rusty's doghouse. Marking territory?_

_03:50 pm - Ms Mullner's testified that she has not, in fact, baked cookies today, even when told that it was very relevant to a case._

_07.10 pm - Alleged Farmer has spent hours by Penny's trailer. He stuffs a mysteriously dry backpack full of sunfish and bream and greets the Chief like that's normal behavior. He also gives the Chief a loaf of bread. Am suspicious of that bread._

_07:40 pm - Tasty though._

_08:00 pm - Went to saloon to meet informant: Amy regarding Re: Alleged Farmer. Transcript added below:_

“That farmer is hiding something,” The Chief said, slouching manly on the chair by the corner. His gaze tracked his companion’s movements, searching for any inconsistence in the testimony, revealing nothing of his thoughts.

“Do you think so? I don’t know, he seems nice. He came by the library earlier to give Mr. Cozner some glass shards and a book for the museum. I mean, my contributions are still better, after all, I did write that handbook on artifacts locations last month,” The devilishly intelligent, though still not as competent librarian confided in him, tucking her long hair over an ear. “Still, you should have seen how happy Kevin looked.” 

“Wait, no, hold on. Are we talking about the same librarian who banned me for laughing in the library?”

“It wasn’t for—”

“This is worse than I thought. It may be dark magic at hand,” he said breathlessly. The situation might be darker than he thought; but this news were an unexpected boon for the fearless officer. For he had friends on the other side; it was a question of daring to pay the price of a meeting. 

“That’s not—“

“Magic… of course…”

“Jake, ugh, why do I even bother?”


	3. DAY 5

_9:30 am - Okay, so apparently one can grow parsnips in that farm. Who knew._

_9:40 am - Also: Get Robin to install better locks._

_9:50 am - Or else barricade myself in my room. Theory: Could the Farmer actually be a vampire?_

_10:00 am - Note to self: Ask Rosa for a Solar Essence ASAP. Would go and get it myself but mines are still closed._

_10:10 am - Would complain to Morris, but cows or no cows the man gives me the creeps._

_10:40 am -Are Marlon and Gil trapped on top of the mountain? What are they eating? Mayhaps they are the spectres of dead adventurers?? The plot thickens!_

_11:20 am - Reached Witch's hut. Smells like dead fish. ___

__Witch Rosa, Master of the Arcane, Scourge of the Countryside, Six-Times Winner of the Egg Race, was stirring something green and slimy on the huge cauldron in the corner. The Three Statues stared through the Chief’s soul as he came into the hut; he valiantly ignored them. He was a man on a mission and would not leave without answers._ _

__“That farmer is hiding something.”_ _

__“Yeah, I don’t care. Pass me the vinegar,” the witch said with her gaze still intent on the foul liquid bubbling on the cauldron._ _

__“Why don’t you have your goblin thingie do it.”_ _

__“Because he’s a goblin. It could melt his fingers off and if something happened to him, I would kill you and then myself. Next question.”_ _

__“Seriously, that farmer is super shady. I saw him scything the air in front of Pierre’s shop the other day. He was practicing for his reenactment of Friday 13th, I tell you.”_ _

__“Uh-huh,” the vinegar was tossed in the disgusting goop. The Chief persevered._ _

__“He gave the doc a flower he plucked from two feet away and then wrote his reaction in a notebook.”_ _

__“Interesting,” a handful of wild seeds went tumbling into the mess and sank very slowly out of sight._ _

__“He sprouted wings and flew over the station singing I’m a Barbie Girl.”_ _

__“Yeah, you’re right.”_ _

__“Rosa! You are not listening to me.”_ _

__“Not even slightly, no. Jake, he has zero magic, if that’s all you had to say, go away and leave me alone.”_ _

__“Can you check? Please?”_ _

__“Okay, fine, if I don’t have anything better to do I’ll check.”_ _

__As if on cue, the cauldron started hissing ominously and sprouting poisonous-looking green clouds of smoke. The Chief, well knowing that discretion was on occasion the greatest part of valor, may have taken a step back and braced himself for an explosion._ _

__“By the way, what exactly is that?”_ _

__“'Rasmodius' outran the dwarven hitmen that kept him tied from his toes on a desert cavern for the last three months and he’s back at the tower.”_ _

__“Rasmodius? Adrian Rasmodius?” She nodded. “I see… So, it’s totally cursing time.”_ _

Rosa _smiled._

_03:10 am - Note to self: Never ever cross Rosa._

_05:00 am – I don’t like Fridays._

__“That farmer is hiding something, I’m sure of it.”_ _

__“If you have breath for talking, you have breath for doing pull-ups,” said the owner of the small gym. The Chief gathered his strength and lifted up in a great show of endurance and might. “Stop flopping around. Use your core.”_ _

__“Hasn’t… he… done anything… I can’t! I'll die...”_ _

__“You're not dying yet. Jake, you are the one who said weekly workouts were necessary for your job."_ _

__The Chief answered eloquently._ _

__"And about that Ray Holt, no, not really. He came by to say hi the other day, asked for the prices of my tonics and that was all.”_ _

__"Ok, so, can you tell me if he actually does something suspicious?"_ _

__The gym owner looked unconvinced, crossing his arms in an intimidating stance. This was going to be a grueling negotiation, but the Chief had an ace under his sleeve._ _

__"I'll do ten diamond push-ups."_ _

__"Five burpees. With a jump every time."_ _

__"You drive a very hard bargain, my friend. Three. And I'll buy some free-fat yoghurt next time I go to Zuzu."_ _

__"Deal."_ _

_(The. Sacrifices.)_

__“ …Do you think he’ll need help if he ever goes to Zuzu’s farmer’s market though?”_ _


	4. DAY 7

_10.00 am - Hung Holly all over the mayor's door. Saved it exprofesoly all winter for this. No matter what Amy says am awesome at birthdays._

_11.00am - So apparently Lewis didn't like the holly. There's no pleasing the man, I swear._

_12.30 am - So what does the Alleged Farmer give him. A parsnip! What, is he made of the stuff? How is he making money if he's gifting all his produce away??_

_12.40 am - Alleged Farmer saw me. Gave me a parsnip._

_12.50 am - Would throw parsnip at Alleged Farmer's head, but Charles would get mad._

_13.20 am - Also: Alleged Farmer is now going around with a rusty old sword on his belt. Quid pro quo, etcetera._

“That farmer is hiding something,” Jake said, plucking a pepper from Shane’s plate and looking at The Farmer, who had just come through the tavern’s door.

“What’s with that weird parsnip obsession anyway?" The Chief continued, "What, is that a weird sex thing? Oh my god, it totally is a sex thing! Damn, I knew I was too beautiful for this world!”

“He gave me a leek. It was a very large leek,” Charles contributed, taking off his cap and resting it on the counter.

“Why are you here bothering me again?” Shane growled, crossing his arms.

“One, Charles, never say those words again. And two, obviously because we needed a cover, duh. Listen up guys: I’m Ander von McKintosh, and we are finishing a deal for a dinosaur that shall be the star of my smash hit Wednesday show.”

“Uh-huh, no way.” Charles vehemently countered, “Jake, Wednesday is for Queen of Sauce’s reruns. Pick another day.”

Shane muttered something like “Dinosaur?”, but more pressing matters were at hand. The Farmer had seen them.

“Look, he’s coming this way, act cool.”

The Farmer arrived, plucked a beer in front of Shane, nodded and took off.

“Uh, nice,” Shane said, reaching for it.

“ _Not_ nice. Don’t drink that, it’s probably poisoned!”

“Hey, hands off!”

“Give me that!”


	5. Epilogue

_Dear Mother,  
I have arrived at Grandfather’s farm without issue. Mayor Lewis sends his regards. He also gave me parsnip seeds; the first harvest has been satisfactory. There will be much work ahead, but I remain optimistic about bringing the farm back to full function._

_Love,  
Your Son_

_P.S.: The Chief of police has repeatedly assured me that he will be keeping an eye on the place, doubtlessly to deter looters until I have established myself. It is gratifying to have a competent force in place._

**Author's Note:**

> A silly crossover for the March Prompt Challenge. It is basically plotless and did run a bit away from me, but I hope it was entertaining at least. :)


End file.
